The Daily Schmidt


Ireland manager Joe Schmidt's briefing for the daily newspapers as imagined

by DEREK FOLEY @OnlyOneFinFoley

"AW MATE, I'm chuffed, what a terrific footie match.

"Of course we all have to be grateful to Jacob for coming in and making that intercept to put us 10 points ahead instead of us losing the footie game.

"Okay, in New Zealand in places like Paekakariki and Sunny Bay RFCs, fellas that come in off their wing looking for intercepts would be taken out the back of the sheds and have the tar beaten out of them.

"And I'll be having my own nose-to-nose with Jacob over looking for an intercept ahead of Shingler's earlier try 15 minutes earlier. What the hell was he doing?

"Why do you think I waited so long to sub Johnny Sexton?

"Just keep telling everybody about our strength in depth and once nobody actually gets to ask an intelligent question or I have to speak to the bloody media-types we'll be fine.

"And anyway, let them bring up Simon Zebo and who he togs out for now.


"Did he score any intercept tries over the weekend? Probably too busy bloody tackling I'd bet - but he's going to France, so c'est la vie, mate.

"Anyway, just keep telling them our Defence Coach Andy Farrell's the man! Yo the man, Andy. SHout out to Andy.

"Alright, there were heaps of tries conceded across the back-line last year. Then there was the try against France, all three against Italy and now three more out wide against Wales.

"True, we are like a sieve but you don't need newspapers prying into that! And besides, Andy's great!

"Anyway, did you see what Gats said about us?

"I hope the media were listening: 'I thought they were outstanding. I apologise to Joe if I upset him a couple of years ago. The team and the tactics are a credit to Joe and the way they are going.

"He said it, not me, and he's a Kiwi, got the proper accent for coaching . Too right.

"Might see if he fancies a few bangers on the Barbie. I have the Shortland Street box set. Hey Gats..."

This article first appeared in the Irish Daily Star 26 Feb 2018 and has been reproduced with kind permission